Speaking about forgiveness. How do you talk about the villain in your story when people that you love, loved him? I have never been a liar, I have never been able to sugar coat things. I am just brutally honest, sometimes I am just brutal. The truth isn’t always the easiest thing to swallow, when it comes from another persons point of view. It’s hard to believe that someone you admired, loved and trusted, could be the bad guy in someone else’s story, isn’t it? But that’s the case here. Your experience wasn’t my experience for some reason. For some reason my experience was very different. Easier for some to think that I am delusional, or wrong, or angry, or that it was my fault, but the more I look at it, the harder I think about it, the more I realize There wasn’t anything I could have changed.
Hard to believe experiences, words said, actions done, and feelings felt, can still cause me heart ache, ten, fifteen and twenty years later. Hard to believe that I am still processing, still remembering, still giving my time to these blurps in time were I felt completely heart broken. Still think I am being dramatic? Still think I’m not remembering correctly? I remember exactly the feelings I had about exactly certain experiences I had, they actually hurt more now than they did then, because now I understand how supremely wrong they were, how no one bothered to protect an innocent child. Who loved me? Who took care of me? Who stood up for me? Who saw the good in me? No one. Feels more like no one now than it did then. Kids are resilient. Healing for adults is a lot more effort. You don’t blame a child for being neglected and abused. It is never their fault, especially when they are children and you are an adult. I don’t care if they say fuck at you a thousand times. I don’t care if they break every dish in your cupboard, I don’t care if they tell you they hate you. I don’t care.
Yes there is discipline. Children should not go without discipline, but I disagree that what happened was beneficial in any way. When you discipline out of anger I don’t see any benefit. You threw an adult sized temper tantrum and won, only because you were bigger. Then blamed the child’s bad behavior, when you couldn’t control your own behavior. No wonder I was out of control. Monkey see then monkey do. You earn respect, you can’t demand it.
So they say I should forgive. They say I can’t just let it go. I have to exactly forgive, in order to free myself. Seems like a pretty shit deal that I get locked in a cage by my response of others actions and then am responsible to get myself out of it. Not to mention the list of people who need forgiving. Some who know what they’ve done. Some who don’t. Some who would be sorry, some who wouldn’t. Some who would take responsibility, and some who would deny my feelings. Imagining their response to the conversations that may or may not happen or to their response of this blog or just their response, more pain, more hurt, more forgiveness. How do you deny how your actions make another feel? You are not the dictator of how I process my surroundings, you are not in control of my heart.
Ever since my precious daughter was born, and even more so since my precious son was born, I feel like it more. As a parent you fiercely protect your children, even from those who you love. Children first, everyone else is nothing in comparison. I feel it the pain thick. Coats me. How do you let someone else come first? How does an adult who is watching, not see the things their children go thru?
Anyways forgiveness. For exactly every single shitty feeling I felt. I’ve been naming them off. Saying it out loud one by one. I forgive you for making me feel like less than. I forgive you for not trying to connect with me. I forgive you for making me feel like an outsider in my own family. I forgive you for making me deal with years of depression and anxiety alone. I forgive you for ….. The list is endless, and probably I will have to start back at the beginning a hundred times before I am healed. Or does one ever heal? Is forgiveness just a ritual that eventually makes you feel better? We will see.